Proof That There's No Possible Way I'm Actually Going To Be 30 (So Just Drop It)

On my next birthday, I will be turning 30.  This is coming up tragically soon.  Therefore, I'm having a 1/3 life crisis.  I'm sure I'm worried about the same things many people turning 30 worry about:  Is my life going the way it should?  Have I accomplished what I should have accomplished by now?  Do I really still need plastic sheets?  Am I on-track with other 30-somethings or have I fallen sadly behind?

Thankfully, after a simple search on the internet, I quickly found an exhaustive list of everything I should know how to do before I turn 30.  As the author describes it, I found "Competence. Now in convenient book format."  I don't have much time, so let's see if I can check off some of the more important things. 

21.  Fold a fitted sheet.

I'm so good at this one that I can teach it in 5 easy steps:

                                                                        Step one, hold the clean sheet like so:                                                                                 

Step two, gently fold in half:

Step three (this one's crucial), wad the sheet into an unrecognizable blob.  Regardless of how you try to fold it after step two, this will be the result; you can't mess this part up:

Step four, shove it into the closet before it unravels itself:

Step five, hold the closet door closed until you are sure it's not going to fall out:

If you fail step five, begin again at step one for each item that betrayed you.

Whew!  That was simple.  What's next?

5.  Order wine at a restaurant without getting stiffed.

Um, I've been doing this for years and I feel pretty confident about this one.  I decided to go to a restaurant to see how good I am at this.

"Yes, I'd like to see your finest wine, please."

"It's beautiful.  Waaay out of my price range though.  Do you have something a little more... me?"

"Really?  Bawls?  I didn't even know they still made that stuff.  I meant a wine, a wine that's more suited to me..."

 "It's like you know me!"

Waitress:  "Would you like to smell the, uh... spigot?"

"Yes, this is perfect.  I'll have a glass."

28.  Make dogs and cats love you.

You see, I've always had this gift for getting animals, especially cats, but also dogs, to come to me when I call them.  

Sometimes all I have to do is give a look, but other times outstretching my arms...

 shows that I am a warm, loving friend who can be trusted.

Dammit.  How about now, you piece of crap?

22.  Remove common stains.

Well, I don't know how this book defines "common," but the only two stains I could think of that I commonly come across are blood and poo (thanks to Chris).  I only know one way to get rid of those:

Kids, if you are going to burn your evidence, do so safely, near a water source.

29. Help someone (an older or ill person, a woman you’re trying to impress, your mother) out of a car.

Well, I don't know any older or ill people, my mom lives far away, and I am not trying to impress any women, so I had to use Chris to try out this one.  I think I nailed it:

7.  Dance a “slow dance” without looking like an idiot.

What exactly is a slow dance?  The only ones I remember are from middle school...

No, no, this is way too boring.  I need to do my usual funky, hip, trendy dance.

 And by funky and hip, I mean dorky.

I think there are more important things that a 30-year-old should be able to do, so I made my own list:

1.  Always have clean plates so that you don't have to eat plate foods out of a bowl.

2.  Know when to say no to a purchase.

No matter how truly awesome it may be.

3.  Be able to find where you are trying to go without getting directions.  Especially when that place is literally a few feet from you.

4.  Be able to purchase fewer than six varieties of cheese when going to the grocery store by yourself.

Didn't poop for a week.

5.  Own sophisticated pajamas.

One thing that I have realized lately is that my apartment is not sophisticated enough to be leased to two 30-somethings.  Not only are there two video game consoles that are consistently in use, but our other decor is more indicative of a couple of amateur nerd interior decorators.

For example, office supplies:

Hand sanitizer (also comes in Maybe You Touched Your Genitals):

Couch Decor:

I also spend way too much time making video-game-related decor.

And on joke decorations that are displayed for far too long to still be a joke.

What do you mean I'm missing the point?

Yes, this is in my bathroom.

If we keep it up for long enough, it'll be in season again.

Okay, so I don't have much time left in my twenties.  I hope I will still be able to get away with this weirdness in my thirties... thankfully, I don't feel like people just up and change from huge dork nerds into normal people.  I'm just always going to be one of those people who wears monkey pajamas, buys a lot of cheese, and bribes cats.  Existential crisis: over.

Comics

So I decided to try and draw some comics.  They might be a little painful.

This was my first one ever.  Inspired by a night of difficult sleep.

My coworker Adam came up with this idea and I drew it.

This one is my favorite but also I'm a word nerd.

<pretentious voice> You know, now that I'm pretty much a famous comic artist, I'd like to give a few words of advice:  Inspiration is all around you.  You can make a comic about anything, or even use your surroundings as a medium! </pretentious voice>

This guy has been squashed on the wall at work for, give or take, a full year.  Every time I re-notice him, I think, "Wow, we should really do something about that."  Well, the other day, I finally did.

You're welcome, coworkers.

Since apparently no one else will do anything about the cobwebs between the desks at work, I decided to step up and improve that situation as well.    Geez, do I have to do everything around here?

Suspended in a sea of cobwebs.

My Family Photos: A History of Awkward Moments, Both Public and Private.

Can family photos be awkward if your family meant for them to be that way?  I guess we're about to find out.

In my younger childhood years, things weren't quite so awkward.  I mean, there was the occasional accidental cat molestation, but who doesn't have baby pictures like this?

I then went through a brief phase of thinking that I had to be completely still for the camera, that apparently the object in the photo was supposed to be more interesting than the person.

To myself:  "Don't move, Stephanie... the camera's in here."

That behavior quickly faded to make room for more awkward behaviors, such as jumping in front of the camera when I thought a picture was about to be taken.

 "I NEED to be in this photo, I just have to commemorate my

impeccable fashion sense."

As I got older, I began to notice that my family members, particularly my parents (initially), thrived on being awkward in photos.  One of our most public awkward photos was definitely on our trip to Branson, MO.  Since that area of the country is so accepting of alternative lifestyles like cross-dressing, it must've inspired my parents.

I know it's subtle, but give it a second.

I also recall that we learned at a young age in my family that you shouldn't piss my mom off.  I don't know what my dad did here, but it probably wasn't good.

Then there was that time my brother Ben mouthed off...

Uh oh, Ben.  I don't know what's going on here, but whatever you're doing dressed as Tourist Dad is not pleasing Mom.  I hope everything was okay after this...

Way to put your game face on, Ben.  Don't let her know you're afraid.

Of course, my mom could also be goofy.

I hope you all haven't forgotten about this picture.

She looks happy about what's happening to her head.

My mom is only smiling well in the above picture because we caught her off-guard.  Her "picture smile" is a little bit different...

She never used to believe me that she smiled like that in pictures, but after showing her other photos to support that idea, she pretty much had to admit it.

To be fair, it runs in her family.

Sure, I'd love be in a picture with my mom and my lovely aunts.  *Sigh*

Which, fortunately or unfortunately, means it also runs in my family.

And as if that's not bad enough, I also get it from my dad.

The Swami is scared of stuffed animals.

No one wanted to ride on this with my dad for some reason...

Once, my parents were invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party, which boasted a prize for the worst sweaters as voted on by the attendees.  Being that this was a moment they were both born to shine in, they made their own sweaters... and of course, they won.

At least those were better than the sweaters my dad normally wears...

So you see it's no wonder that when Ben and I were actually let out of the house, we didn't quite fit in socially...

Another quite public example of this occurred when my brother discovered that Santa was attending the Holiday Luncheon where he works.

Ben's description: "Did you notice the childlike wonderment in my eyes, and the slight terror in Santa's?"

I also set my brother up for awkwardness at times.  For instance, there was that time I decided to ice his likeness onto a cake, but of course I had to make his head look like it was coming out of a toilet.

Even though we have proven our ability to be awkward individually, our awkward star shines particularly bright when we're all in a picture together.  Whenever my mom says, "Okay everyone, time to pick your props!" you know it's family photo time.

Yes, my dad has a fake Hitler 'stache over his real mustache.

We've tried everything from jumping in the air...

Yes, this was an attempt at taking a "Look at us, carefree and jumping in the air" shot.  We never claimed to be coordinated.

...to putting Mom in strange positions...

...to just dancing awkwardly until the camera timer went off.

This year, my dad got to thinking: if the four of us together could make such strange photos, imagine what we could do if we involve even more people!

Me:  No, I don't think that's a good idea, Dad.

Dad:  It'll be awesome!  These pictures will have all the best aspects of family photos: props, ambiguously gay positioning, making other people slightly uncomfortable when looking at them!  You'll thank me later, I promise.

When you're right, you're right.