Jabbina the Hutt... and Other Unfortunate Likenesses

Every year for Christmas or a birthday or some random day, I like to make a gift for someone in my family.  It's because it's cheaper more meaningful to do it that way.  Last year for my mom's birthday, I decided to paint our family's likenesses onto Russian nesting dolls.  I texted updates to my brother during the process.

Me:  Here's Mom, completed!

Ben:  Uhh, that's great, she looks a little...

Me:  Just say it, she looks like Jabba the Hutt.

Ben:  I was going to say 'fat', but yes your description is more accurate.

Me:  Well, since it's her present, I made her as the biggest doll, and unfortunately that means I had to make her proportions... different.

Ben:  I think it's the mouth, it's huge.

Me:  Yeah, and the ass.

Ben:  Yeah, it's like she has no legs.  This was a terrible idea.

Me:  I added details too, let me send you a pic of the bottom!

Ben:  Uhhhh... what the hell is that?  Why did you paint Mom a vagina?!

Me:  What?  I didn't!  Those are feet and toes!

Ben:  That looks awfully like a vaj...

Me:  No, I did not paint a vaj.

Me:  OH MY GOD, it's a vaj!  It's an accidental one though, does that make it better??

Ben:  You're not giving it to her like that, are you?

Me:  Shit.  I guess I'll paint it blue...

Ben:  Do I look this fat?  Do I have genitalia?

Me:  Uhh, well I'm completing each person in order of their importance to the family...

Ben:  Wait, you painted Poopie already but you didn't paint me yet???

Me:  Yeah, I guess I was waiting to see your reactions to the others before I decided how effeminate to make you look.

Ben:  Wonderful, well send me a pic when you're done.

Ben:  So I'm groping myself?  Or just rubbing my head in a sexy way?

Me:  You're trying to be sexy, but falling short - I wanted to keep these as true to life as possible.

Ben:  I look ridiculous.

Me:  How about now?

Ben:  Wow, is that a nesting doll graveyard?

Me:  I hung your head and severed torso on posts as a warning to the other dolls.

Ben:  You really made me look womanly.  Like I have lipstick and mascara on.

Me:  I know.  Mom's going to love these.

Buttholes Roasting on an Open Fire

I made an impulse buy the other day.  I was in the grocery store and walked by a display of these.

"Mmm, I bet they taste like Christmas!" I thought.  "This will be the best $1.15 of the grocery run!"

When I got in the car, I opened the bag and immediately my nose was bombarded with the pungent odor of butthole.

"Why do these smell like rectum?!" I said out loud.  No one answered me but I still wanted to know.

Against my better judgement, I took a chestnut out of the bag.  Not only did it smell like anus, but it looked like one too.

Did I accidentally buy a bag of monkey bits?!  What is this, China?

They weren't even the same color as on the package!

I'm sorry, did you want something pumpkin-colored that tastes like Christmas?

Because all we make are smelly brown cornholes.

"Well," I thought, "I spent all that money on them, I might as well try it and see what it's like.  Maybe I'll be surprised."

      

Nope.

Now That We Cohabitate

My boyfriend and I recently moved in together.  It has taken some adjusting.

There are some things I should probably stop doing now that we live together:

1.  Sleeping with stuffed balls.  

What was once a cute pink heart has now stretched out and faded into a pair of flesh-colored, saggy balls.  Those balls have seen better days, but oh how I loved this pillow in its original glory.  

"I'll miss you, balls."

2.  Biting my toenails.
I should probably invest in some "nail clippers" or whatever people call them.

3.  Farting at will.

This looks like it could soon become sharting, if it hasn't already.

4.  Neutering things.

This makes guys uncomfortable.

5.  Falling asleep on the toilet.

Not the most pleasing thing for your boyfriend to walk in on.  This is also why I should just take those balls and throw them away burn them.

6.  Watching the Mentalist.  

It's a terrible show that makes me swoon.

"I'll get you, Simon Baker!"

7.  Pooping in the corner.

Or maybe I should just stop measuring it afterwards?

Yes, this whole cohabitation thing has been a difficult adjustment, particularly for me.  I think the biggest thing I've had to get used to is just having Chris all up in my space.

Why is my bed so lumpy?

This armrest is bony.

I love you Chris, but smother me much?