Making My Cheesy 90's Dream Come True

...albeit differently than I originally imagined it.

Lately, I've been wishing that I had done Glamour Shots in the 1990's.  Not because I wish I had some picture of me all pretty with a pile of makeup on behind velcro-on clothing and soft lighting, but because those pictures are truly hilarious to look at now since they are so dated.  The only dated picture I wish I had more than a glamour shot is one like this.  So, when my best friend Katie texted me a picture of Glamour Shots in a mall close to her, I knew we had to make my 90's dream a reality.

Of course, now that Glamour Shots is updated and no longer has the cheesy fake 90's clothing, I had to add my own special touch to it.

As much fun as it was to do this, I was worried that bringing fake mustaches and strange accessories would offend the hair and make-up people, considering that they were about to spend a good hour making us pretty only to have us stick mustaches on at the last minute.  So I decided to warn them ahead of time when they called to verify our appointment.

Glamour Shots Lady:  "So what's the purpose of this shoot?  A birthday, a holiday, just for fun?"

Me:  "Umm, just for fun.  We're, uhh, bringing fake mustaches."

GSL:  "Oh, ha, okay, that's fine.  Oh, and how old are you guys?"

Me:  "Yeah, we're 30."

GSL:  "Oh okay, that's fine!  I just... we just have to make sure you're at least 18 and you... your voice sounds very young."

Me:  ...

GSL: ...

Me: ...

GSL:  "...okay, so you should plan to bring a nice top with jeans, something dressy, and a third maybe more fun outfit.  Do you know what outfits you are bringing?"

Me:  "Definitely a dress.  And probably some dorky clothes, you know to go with the mustaches."

Soon after this, I get an email from Glamour Shots, and this was the highlight:

"Do not forget to bring your dork outfits and jeans with nice tops.  That will turn out awesome in the photos!  Variety is key when choosing your 3-4 different wardrobe changes.  Don't forget to accessorize!"

Oh we won't, Glamour Shots Lady.

After we warned our makeover artist about our plans, she said, "Oh yes, I got a text about you guys last night."  Yet, she still made sure my upper lip was nice and airbrushed...

...before I put on my facial hair.  I know this is a first world problem, but really, is there anything worse than not being able to peel the backing off of the second half of your mustache and having to ask your makeover artist to do it for you?

While she was doing my makeup, she told me that when all the makeup we were wearing was combined with the mustaches, we were "going to look like trannies."  

Even including that remark, the most uncomfortable part of this whole thing was when we first walked in carrying all of our strange accessories.  When one of the ladies who worked there saw the outfits I was carrying, she said, "Oh my god, is that a sock monkey onesie?"

"Why, yes it is," I replied, wondering if she was judging me from the beginning.  She said, "I have one of those too!"

The makeover lady, who was also our photographer, told us each pose to make and they were as cheesy as I had hoped for.  Before I post the final shots, I wanted to say that I received an email the day after the session.  The highlight was: "We enjoyed 'Bringing Out Your Best In Portraits,'..." I like to tell myself that they put that in quotes because it's a slogan of theirs or something, but... 

...perhaps I detect a hint of sarcasm?  I got this one as my free 8x10.  Now what the hell am I going to do with it?  Katie decided to get an actual pretty one of herself:

Which made me feel competitive, so I thought maybe I'd get a sexy one...

"Does making this uncomfortable face while unzipping my sock monkey onesie make me look sexy?  How about when I put my foot like this?"

Our competitiveness started to make the photographer lady uncomfortable when we got to the "Who Has the Whitest Arms" competition.

Katie: "I win!"

Katie even had to prove that she could wear the mustache better.

"Yeah bitches, the lip carpet matches the drapes."

The session got downright awkward when Katie came out in her third outfit and the photographer thought that she wasn't wearing pants.

Speaking of awkward, does anyone actually pose like this for pictures?  I mean, minus the soul patch, this is still an awkward pose:

"Oh, there's a camera right there? I'm just going to touch my head and gaze longingly at this corner."

There were many more awkward poses.  We were given possibly the most self-indulgent DVD, full of the rest of our 40+ poses, that anyone could have in their possession.  So self-indulgent, in fact, that YouTube rejected it.  I think it will make a great Christmas present for everyone I know.