Making My Cheesy 90's Dream Come True

...albeit differently than I originally imagined it.

Lately, I've been wishing that I had done Glamour Shots in the 1990's.  Not because I wish I had some picture of me all pretty with a pile of makeup on behind velcro-on clothing and soft lighting, but because those pictures are truly hilarious to look at now since they are so dated.  The only dated picture I wish I had more than a glamour shot is one like this.  So, when my best friend Katie texted me a picture of Glamour Shots in a mall close to her, I knew we had to make my 90's dream a reality.

Of course, now that Glamour Shots is updated and no longer has the cheesy fake 90's clothing, I had to add my own special touch to it.

As much fun as it was to do this, I was worried that bringing fake mustaches and strange accessories would offend the hair and make-up people, considering that they were about to spend a good hour making us pretty only to have us stick mustaches on at the last minute.  So I decided to warn them ahead of time when they called to verify our appointment.

Glamour Shots Lady:  "So what's the purpose of this shoot?  A birthday, a holiday, just for fun?"

Me:  "Umm, just for fun.  We're, uhh, bringing fake mustaches."

GSL:  "Oh, ha, okay, that's fine.  Oh, and how old are you guys?"

Me:  "Yeah, we're 30."

GSL:  "Oh okay, that's fine!  I just... we just have to make sure you're at least 18 and you... your voice sounds very young."

Me:  ...

GSL: ...

Me: ...

GSL:  "...okay, so you should plan to bring a nice top with jeans, something dressy, and a third maybe more fun outfit.  Do you know what outfits you are bringing?"

Me:  "Definitely a dress.  And probably some dorky clothes, you know to go with the mustaches."

Soon after this, I get an email from Glamour Shots, and this was the highlight:

"Do not forget to bring your dork outfits and jeans with nice tops.  That will turn out awesome in the photos!  Variety is key when choosing your 3-4 different wardrobe changes.  Don't forget to accessorize!"

Oh we won't, Glamour Shots Lady.

After we warned our makeover artist about our plans, she said, "Oh yes, I got a text about you guys last night."  Yet, she still made sure my upper lip was nice and airbrushed...

...before I put on my facial hair.  I know this is a first world problem, but really, is there anything worse than not being able to peel the backing off of the second half of your mustache and having to ask your makeover artist to do it for you?

While she was doing my makeup, she told me that when all the makeup we were wearing was combined with the mustaches, we were "going to look like trannies."  

Even including that remark, the most uncomfortable part of this whole thing was when we first walked in carrying all of our strange accessories.  When one of the ladies who worked there saw the outfits I was carrying, she said, "Oh my god, is that a sock monkey onesie?"

"Why, yes it is," I replied, wondering if she was judging me from the beginning.  She said, "I have one of those too!"

The makeover lady, who was also our photographer, told us each pose to make and they were as cheesy as I had hoped for.  Before I post the final shots, I wanted to say that I received an email the day after the session.  The highlight was: "We enjoyed 'Bringing Out Your Best In Portraits,'..." I like to tell myself that they put that in quotes because it's a slogan of theirs or something, but... 

...perhaps I detect a hint of sarcasm?  I got this one as my free 8x10.  Now what the hell am I going to do with it?  Katie decided to get an actual pretty one of herself:

Which made me feel competitive, so I thought maybe I'd get a sexy one...

"Does making this uncomfortable face while unzipping my sock monkey onesie make me look sexy?  How about when I put my foot like this?"

Our competitiveness started to make the photographer lady uncomfortable when we got to the "Who Has the Whitest Arms" competition.

Katie: "I win!"

Katie even had to prove that she could wear the mustache better.

"Yeah bitches, the lip carpet matches the drapes."

The session got downright awkward when Katie came out in her third outfit and the photographer thought that she wasn't wearing pants.

Speaking of awkward, does anyone actually pose like this for pictures?  I mean, minus the soul patch, this is still an awkward pose:

"Oh, there's a camera right there? I'm just going to touch my head and gaze longingly at this corner."

There were many more awkward poses.  We were given possibly the most self-indulgent DVD, full of the rest of our 40+ poses, that anyone could have in their possession.  So self-indulgent, in fact, that YouTube rejected it.  I think it will make a great Christmas present for everyone I know.

Proof That There's No Possible Way I'm Actually Going To Be 30 (So Just Drop It)

On my next birthday, I will be turning 30.  This is coming up tragically soon.  Therefore, I'm having a 1/3 life crisis.  I'm sure I'm worried about the same things many people turning 30 worry about:  Is my life going the way it should?  Have I accomplished what I should have accomplished by now?  Do I really still need plastic sheets?  Am I on-track with other 30-somethings or have I fallen sadly behind?

Thankfully, after a simple search on the internet, I quickly found an exhaustive list of everything I should know how to do before I turn 30.  As the author describes it, I found "Competence. Now in convenient book format."  I don't have much time, so let's see if I can check off some of the more important things. 

21.  Fold a fitted sheet.

I'm so good at this one that I can teach it in 5 easy steps:

                                                                        Step one, hold the clean sheet like so:                                                                                 

Step two, gently fold in half:

Step three (this one's crucial), wad the sheet into an unrecognizable blob.  Regardless of how you try to fold it after step two, this will be the result; you can't mess this part up:

Step four, shove it into the closet before it unravels itself:

Step five, hold the closet door closed until you are sure it's not going to fall out:

If you fail step five, begin again at step one for each item that betrayed you.

Whew!  That was simple.  What's next?

5.  Order wine at a restaurant without getting stiffed.

Um, I've been doing this for years and I feel pretty confident about this one.  I decided to go to a restaurant to see how good I am at this.

"Yes, I'd like to see your finest wine, please."

"It's beautiful.  Waaay out of my price range though.  Do you have something a little more... me?"

"Really?  Bawls?  I didn't even know they still made that stuff.  I meant a wine, a wine that's more suited to me..."

 "It's like you know me!"

Waitress:  "Would you like to smell the, uh... spigot?"

"Yes, this is perfect.  I'll have a glass."

28.  Make dogs and cats love you.

You see, I've always had this gift for getting animals, especially cats, but also dogs, to come to me when I call them.  

Sometimes all I have to do is give a look, but other times outstretching my arms...

 shows that I am a warm, loving friend who can be trusted.

Dammit.  How about now, you piece of crap?

22.  Remove common stains.

Well, I don't know how this book defines "common," but the only two stains I could think of that I commonly come across are blood and poo (thanks to Chris).  I only know one way to get rid of those:

Kids, if you are going to burn your evidence, do so safely, near a water source.

29. Help someone (an older or ill person, a woman you’re trying to impress, your mother) out of a car.

Well, I don't know any older or ill people, my mom lives far away, and I am not trying to impress any women, so I had to use Chris to try out this one.  I think I nailed it:

7.  Dance a “slow dance” without looking like an idiot.

What exactly is a slow dance?  The only ones I remember are from middle school...

No, no, this is way too boring.  I need to do my usual funky, hip, trendy dance.

 And by funky and hip, I mean dorky.

I think there are more important things that a 30-year-old should be able to do, so I made my own list:

1.  Always have clean plates so that you don't have to eat plate foods out of a bowl.

2.  Know when to say no to a purchase.

No matter how truly awesome it may be.

3.  Be able to find where you are trying to go without getting directions.  Especially when that place is literally a few feet from you.

4.  Be able to purchase fewer than six varieties of cheese when going to the grocery store by yourself.

Didn't poop for a week.

5.  Own sophisticated pajamas.

One thing that I have realized lately is that my apartment is not sophisticated enough to be leased to two 30-somethings.  Not only are there two video game consoles that are consistently in use, but our other decor is more indicative of a couple of amateur nerd interior decorators.

For example, office supplies:

Hand sanitizer (also comes in Maybe You Touched Your Genitals):

Couch Decor:

I also spend way too much time making video-game-related decor.

And on joke decorations that are displayed for far too long to still be a joke.

What do you mean I'm missing the point?

Yes, this is in my bathroom.

If we keep it up for long enough, it'll be in season again.

Okay, so I don't have much time left in my twenties.  I hope I will still be able to get away with this weirdness in my thirties... thankfully, I don't feel like people just up and change from huge dork nerds into normal people.  I'm just always going to be one of those people who wears monkey pajamas, buys a lot of cheese, and bribes cats.  Existential crisis: over.