Proof That There's No Possible Way I'm Actually Going To Be 30 (So Just Drop It)

On my next birthday, I will be turning 30.  This is coming up tragically soon.  Therefore, I'm having a 1/3 life crisis.  I'm sure I'm worried about the same things many people turning 30 worry about:  Is my life going the way it should?  Have I accomplished what I should have accomplished by now?  Do I really still need plastic sheets?  Am I on-track with other 30-somethings or have I fallen sadly behind?

Thankfully, after a simple search on the internet, I quickly found an exhaustive list of everything I should know how to do before I turn 30.  As the author describes it, I found "Competence. Now in convenient book format."  I don't have much time, so let's see if I can check off some of the more important things. 

21.  Fold a fitted sheet.

I'm so good at this one that I can teach it in 5 easy steps:

                                                                        Step one, hold the clean sheet like so:                                                                                 

Step two, gently fold in half:

Step three (this one's crucial), wad the sheet into an unrecognizable blob.  Regardless of how you try to fold it after step two, this will be the result; you can't mess this part up:

Step four, shove it into the closet before it unravels itself:

Step five, hold the closet door closed until you are sure it's not going to fall out:

If you fail step five, begin again at step one for each item that betrayed you.

Whew!  That was simple.  What's next?

5.  Order wine at a restaurant without getting stiffed.

Um, I've been doing this for years and I feel pretty confident about this one.  I decided to go to a restaurant to see how good I am at this.

"Yes, I'd like to see your finest wine, please."

"It's beautiful.  Waaay out of my price range though.  Do you have something a little more... me?"

"Really?  Bawls?  I didn't even know they still made that stuff.  I meant a wine, a wine that's more suited to me..."

 "It's like you know me!"

Waitress:  "Would you like to smell the, uh... spigot?"

"Yes, this is perfect.  I'll have a glass."

28.  Make dogs and cats love you.

You see, I've always had this gift for getting animals, especially cats, but also dogs, to come to me when I call them.  

Sometimes all I have to do is give a look, but other times outstretching my arms...

 shows that I am a warm, loving friend who can be trusted.

Dammit.  How about now, you piece of crap?

22.  Remove common stains.

Well, I don't know how this book defines "common," but the only two stains I could think of that I commonly come across are blood and poo (thanks to Chris).  I only know one way to get rid of those:

Kids, if you are going to burn your evidence, do so safely, near a water source.

29. Help someone (an older or ill person, a woman you’re trying to impress, your mother) out of a car.

Well, I don't know any older or ill people, my mom lives far away, and I am not trying to impress any women, so I had to use Chris to try out this one.  I think I nailed it:

7.  Dance a “slow dance” without looking like an idiot.

What exactly is a slow dance?  The only ones I remember are from middle school...

No, no, this is way too boring.  I need to do my usual funky, hip, trendy dance.

 And by funky and hip, I mean dorky.

I think there are more important things that a 30-year-old should be able to do, so I made my own list:

1.  Always have clean plates so that you don't have to eat plate foods out of a bowl.

2.  Know when to say no to a purchase.

No matter how truly awesome it may be.

3.  Be able to find where you are trying to go without getting directions.  Especially when that place is literally a few feet from you.

4.  Be able to purchase fewer than six varieties of cheese when going to the grocery store by yourself.

Didn't poop for a week.

5.  Own sophisticated pajamas.

One thing that I have realized lately is that my apartment is not sophisticated enough to be leased to two 30-somethings.  Not only are there two video game consoles that are consistently in use, but our other decor is more indicative of a couple of amateur nerd interior decorators.

For example, office supplies:

Hand sanitizer (also comes in Maybe You Touched Your Genitals):

Couch Decor:

I also spend way too much time making video-game-related decor.

And on joke decorations that are displayed for far too long to still be a joke.

What do you mean I'm missing the point?

Yes, this is in my bathroom.

If we keep it up for long enough, it'll be in season again.

Okay, so I don't have much time left in my twenties.  I hope I will still be able to get away with this weirdness in my thirties... thankfully, I don't feel like people just up and change from huge dork nerds into normal people.  I'm just always going to be one of those people who wears monkey pajamas, buys a lot of cheese, and bribes cats.  Existential crisis: over.